JOHN GIBSON

EVER since I was knee-high to Roy Rogers I342200231ve wanted to meet Dick Barton and I342200231ve done it at last. He was the special agent at the launch of the Titanic memorabilia exhibition in the City Art Centre. He has dived two-and-a-half miles down on the wreck 22 times.

Dick, 45, was introduced to the guests, some of whom looked like Titanic survivors, but didn342200231t say a word. Pity, because he342200231d have had them enthralled, spluttering on their complimentary white wine, but the exhibition, a triple header with an excellent array of Cecil Beaton342200231s movie star snaps and artists342200231 impressions of the Royal Mile, runs in Market Street until late September. Don342200231t miss it, it342200231s free.

As a commercial diver, Dick, who342200231s also been three miles down to the Bismarck, works out of Carlisle and should be brought back as a special guest to tell us in detail what it342200231s like down there.

While I didn342200231t detect many of his Parkhead constituents in the crowd, Councillor Ricky Henderson, as the city council342200231s exec member for culture, was justifiably proud to declare the exhibition open.

Those unfortunate souls lost at sea weren342200231t going to starve, by the way. As the Titanic set sail on her maiden voyage in 1912 her provisions list included 40,000 eggs, 1750 quarts of ice cream, 40 tons of spuds and 2800lbs of sausages.

342200242 I SAY, I SAY: Who hasn342200231t shot the sheriff? An imposter strolls into casualty at Falkirk Royal Infirmary, pulls aside the cubicle curtains and, stroking the startled male patient342200231s leg, says "Hi, I342200231m Dr Kildare!" It could have been a nut with a knife or a gun, a fact that apparently didn342200231t occur to Sheriff Andrew Murphy who pronounced in court: "This was quite amusing, a daft incident and not the most serious of crimes." The punishment? Probation for a year. Murphy makes a mockery of patient care . . . Gordon Brown342200231s petted lip must have been showing when he went to Vatican City expecting a Papal blessing, only to be told the Pope had swanned off on holiday. What does this tell us about John Paul II? Seems he342200231s an astute old chap. Wonder if he prefers Blair as PM.

Oh, and Gordon, try as you will to fool most of the public all of the time, there are a lot of us you can342200231t kid any of the time. While Labour loud-mouthed the chopping of thousands of civil service jobs in their spending shake-up they were advertising in a single week 584 new public sector jobs. And the Chancellor calls it prudence.

How342200231s Malky342200231s political health?

YOU ASK: a) How long can Malcolm Chisholm survive, shouldn342200231t he have resigned by now? b) Is sex dirty? c) Are you doing your bit? d) Is it true 80 per cent of players on the women342200231s tennis tour are lesbians? e) Are we ever going to be allowed to forget Princess Di?

REPLIES: a) Just because our Health Minister, incredibly voted Politician of the Year not long ago, is being hassled for mismanagement of the billions being pumped into the NHS as Scots know it, doesn342200231t necessarily mean Malky342200231s a bad person. Longer waiting lists and waiting times are ongoing features throughout his tenure. Hang on, though. Resignation surely can342200231t be far off. b) Only if it342200231s done right, according to Woody Allen. c) You mean keeping Edinburgh clean and binning my litter? Squeaky clean, that342200231s me. But whatever happened to the Capital342200231s litter wardens? Figments of the City Council342200231s vivid imagination, we342200231re thinking. d) Correct, if we are to believe former player Annabel Croft, the happily married commentator at Wimbledon for the BBC. e) Evidently not. And there342200231s talk of closing her museum through lack of interest.

342200242 Finally . . . Sir Tom Farmer and the Hibs players spotted in the departure lounge at Edinburgh and, naturally, people thought he was flying out with the team to Lithuania. But while they were playing (not too brilliantly), he was praying. He342200231s in Lourdes this week on his annual pilgrimage. Say one for me, Tom.

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